Jennifer's Baby

CHARACTERS:

Wes, 30s

Mel, 60s

Nurse, 20s

A hospital waiting room in the maternity ward. WES sits, bouncing his feet. MEL enters.

MEL

What are you doing here?

WES

Um, what?

MEL

Oh, come on, you’re telling me you needed to take a break?

WES

After Addie, Jen and I decided that I should definitely not be in the delivery room for our second.

MEL

Jen’s father was in the room for all of our children.

As WES goes on, MEL exits into the maternity ward.

WES

Actually, studies show that fathers are, on the whole, a hindrance to the birthing process and ultimately make the entire ordeal worse for both parents. So therefore, it is best for both of us if she is in there and I am out-where is she?

               MEL reenters with the NURSE.

MEL

What do you mean she doesn’t want anyone in there?

NURSE

Jennifer has made it clear she doesn’t want family visiting while she is in active labor. We have been working with her for almost seven hours and she is very close to delivery.

MEL

All the more reason I should be in there!

NURSE

Honestly, ma’am, it is all the more reason you shouldn’t.

MEL

Excuse me? My daughter is in there!

NURSE

And she has rights to privacy. Take it up with her after you meet your grandson.

MEL

Your bedside manner is terrible.

NURSE

I don’t see a bed here. Goodbye!

               She exits. MEL fumes a moment.

WES

Hi mom, nice to see you.

MEL

Where are your parents?

WES

On a plane; they’ll be here tonight.

MEL

And Addie?

WES

With my brother.

MEL

Oh? How is she?

WES

Good. She’s excited to be a big sister, I think.

MEL

You think?

WES

It’s a stressful thing, becoming a sibling.

MEL

She’s three.

WES

When my brother was born, my father drove me to the hospital to see him, but we never made it there because I ended up having explosive diarrhea on the interstate.

               A pause.

MEL

Huh.

WES

That’s why we didn’t bring Addie.

               Another pause.

So yeah it’s just us.

MEL

Great.

               WES begins to cry.

MEL

Oh stop. The second baby is supposed to be easier, you know.

WES

It has been! But I…with Addie, we were so excited, and the adrenaline was racing, we didn’t know what to expect! Well, we did, and we didn’t. I don’t feel nearly as excited as I think I should be. The first child is such a fundamental change to your life, while the second is just… going to be more of the same. And so little Carson has been all about logistics and money. I don’t feel the same joy-

MEL

I’m sorry, what did you say?

WES

It’s—it’s been more about logistics and there isn’t the same excitement that Addie—

MEL

No, no, no, what did you call him?

WES

Carson?

MEL

Carson?

WES

Carson.

MEL

No.

WES

Mom, I—

MEL

Do not ‘mom’ me, I already feel weird about that when I’m not irritated with you—

WES

-Aren’t you always, kind of-

MEL

Yes, I am, not the point. Carson is not a name for a baby boy.

WES

W-why not?

MEL

Carson Daly?! Carson Kressley?! Johnny Carson?! My grandson is not going to be a television personality!

WES

Would that be so bad? Wait, why is he going to be on TV?!

MEL

Your last name is Larson! Carson Larson?! That sounds stupid! This is why fathers should never be the one to name their babies.

WES

Carson was Jen’s pick!

MEL

I don’t believe that.

WES

I wanted to name him Aragorn.

MEL

Isn’t that one of those Pikachus?

WES

I think we live in different worlds, Melinda.

MEL

Hmph. What is going on in there?!

WES

My wife is giving birth.

MEL

I know that! I’ve literally been there and done that. But she decided to do this alone and leave me, her mother, out in the waiting room with you. Does she not need help? She’d really rather we both just sit out here?! Waiting?!

WES

We never spend one-on-one time together, do we?

MEL

Of course not, that’s not what family is for. Least of all your in-laws.

WES

Why are we a living stereotype?

MEL

Because you’re a dweeb and I’m overbearing and—and…

WES

Are you okay?

MEL

I wanted you to name your son Edward.

WES

Oh.

MEL

If Ed was still here in this waiting room, we would be celebrating instead of fretting. He’d be going through a half dozen cigars with you right now, even though you don’t smoke and the designated smoking area for this hospital is a quarter mile up the street. He always talked about that part of fatherhood, the male rituals he wanted to share with his future sons-in-law. I’m glad we only had girls, because funny as it sounds, I think he wanted sons-in-law more than he ever wanted actual sons. For sons, you need to teach them respect, but for a son-in-law, you need only proctor the exam. God, I wish you’d met him. He loved being a father more than I ever loved being a mother. After my first, the joy faded so quickly, just like you. Some people are just born to be parents—

WES

-And some of us are not.

MEL

But here we are anyway.

WES

I’m sorry we didn’t consider naming our son after his grandpa.

MEL

It’s fallen out of fashion, I suppose. I have other daughters. Other sons-in-law that I can guilt.

WES

But I’m your favorite, I hope?

MEL

               (she laughs)

No, you’re really not. But at least we’ve had a real conversation now. So many milestones today! Six years of marriage, two kids, and you can finally talk to your mother-in-law.

WES

Thanks, Melinda.

MEL

You can call me mom.

WES

Are you sure?

MEL

Melinda sounds weird coming from you. We are not peers.

WES

I’ll take it.

               NURSE enters.

NURSE

Mr.Larson? Okay, soooo…the baby is here. Perfectly healthy. Jennifer is holding her, and we will be able to let you say hi in just a moment.

               The NURSE turns to go.

WES

Oh thank goodness…wait. Did you say—

NURSE

Yes, right—crap—I forgot to lead with that. Your ultrasounds were wrong. It happens. It’s a baby girl.

MEL

How does that happen nowadays?

NURSE

Uh, we’re still birthing girls just as much as boys?

MEL

No! How did they get the gender wrong!?

NURSE

It just happens sometimes?

MEL

You are the worst nurse I have ever encountered.

NURSE

I got trained during COVID. Anyway, Congrats!

               She turns to go again.

WES

Can you please stay here?! We didn’t plan any girl names. What’s my daughter’s name?

NURSE

               (Looking at clipboard)

Oh, uhh…I think Jennifer named her after her father? Here it is: Edwina.

MEL

Edwina?

WES

Edwina?

NURSE

You guys can probably head back there whenever at this point.

              NURSE exits before they can stop them.

MEL

Her father wasn’t even Edwin. He was Edward. Did she name Addie? I liked the name Addison.

WES

I named Addie.

MEL

Then Carson really was her idea. We’re going to have to fight her over the name.

WES

Galadriel?

MEL

Is that another Pikachu?

WES

We can figure out a name once we’re in there. Allies?

               He extends his hand. MEL shakes it.

MEL

Allies.

               They exit into the maternity ward.

BLACKOUT

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